Ronald*

*name has been changed in the unlikely event that my blog explodes into popularity and "Ronald" somehow discovers this story. 

When I was young--we're talking kindergartenish time--I had loads of friends. At least four. We had wonderful times together on the school playground chasing each other, making up games, probably bumping into things and scraping lots of knees and elbows. But even with all those friends, there was one ever-so-special friend that I preferred above all the rest. He was even a boy. Can you guess what his name was? Can you?

Yes. Ronald. (well, it wasn't actually Ronald, but...you get it. Moving on.)

Oh, Ronald. Blond, short, handsome Ronald. He was the most wonderful boy in the whole world. I'm 94% certain he was hilarious and brilliant and not afraid of anything. And I was besotted with him.

To demonstrate his extreme worthiness of my affections, I have this example of chivalry and kindness to share: Since I was very brave back then, I once invited him to my super awesome hula-themed birthday party. And he came! I'm sure he was surprised to see that, other than my little brother, he was the only boy there. Still, he bore through that whole party in his knightly way, only complaining a little bit as he stepped into his plastic grass skirt. He didn't look so thrilled on the outside, but I just knew there was no other place he wanted to be than at that hula party, because despite all the weirdness he knew I was there. Obviously he secretly loved me. With him present, I considered that party to be a total success.

During recess we always had the most delightful time together. Of course this was because we played the most bestest game to have ever been created in all of history: kissing tag! No one ever beats kissing tag, naturally. If only I had known! Ah, how I enjoyed sprinting after him as he ran away in pretend terror, worried, I suppose, that I would infect him with my girl cooties. I was a fast runner, but he was always faster. So athletic, that Ronald. I swooned. I sighed. One day I was going to catch him, and kiss him on that cheeky little face! I imagined his reaction: a delighted squeal, perhaps an endearing blush, and above all, a smile as big as the sky. Yes, he was waiting for me to prove my devotion by winning the game. And soon enough, my day of glory arrived.

I was wandering by some less-exciting part of the playground--the monkey bars, perhaps, or the see-saws--with an eventual goal of getting to the swings. Clearly, the swings were the best part of recess, and everyone knew it. There were always lines of kids waiting for their measly, too-short turn that for some reason we just couldn't turn down. For this reason I was taking my time, admiring the nice day, and looking nowhere in particular. In one of my playground-wide glaces, I spotted him. Ronald. In front of the swings. He was waiting for his turn to have a go, and best of all he was facing away from me! My heart skipped a beat, my stomach clenched. This was my moment! He was so unaware, so unsuspecting. He'd never see it coming.

Like an extremely skilled ninja ferret I ducked low for optimum aerodynamic form and speed-snuck across the barky mulch of the playground undetected. A victorious grin began to spread over my face. I would win the game! I would catch Ronald---this was it! My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing. None of that mattered. Ronald would not be disappointed to be caught, I knew. I snuck up behind him, only inches away. Lightning quick, I stepped to his side and landed a solid smooch right on his chubby cheek! I stepped back, smiling a mile wide, waiting for his reaction of good-natured defeat.

With the most horrifying look of utter disgust and contempt that a 5-year-old can muster, Ronald whirled to face me and said, "Go away!"

My heart shriveled. My smile distorted into a shocked, confused frown. My Ronald! How could it be! My dejection was so complete at this point that the only thing I could do was shuffle-walk away, embarrassed, and leave him to wait for his turn on that ridiculous swing set.

And yet...

Even as I walked away, I turned to look at his cute blond head and grinned. First of all, he still totally loved me. No brainer. He'd come around one day. And even more importantly... I. Beat. Kissing tag! 

EPILOGUE.
Ronald really did pine for me. I am totally not making that up, I just know he did! Poor little guy just didn't know what to do with such a lovely little red-head and all her awesomeness, I suspect. But what happened next? Did I ever play kissing tag again? Did Ronald and I rekindle our (extremely) short-lived relationship at a later date? Well, after school I went home and told Mom about my success in kissing Ronald. She scolded me for being a flirt at such a young age. And I don't remember anything about Ronald after that so I guess I got over him. And kissing tag became old news, replaced by newer, more exciting games. Games like Princesses and Dragons, a new chasing game...played with a new boy...and ending with two knocked out teeth.
But that's another story completely.